Something that I have in common with many of my friends at this stage of life is concern for my parents and my husband’s parents. We are lucky to worry about this, as it means they are still around! Taking care of aging parents does however consume a lot of our time at the moment. Caregiving comes in many levels and stages – so what is needed for our family right now and what is working for us could be very different from what your family might need, but maybe sharing some things we have learned and are learning on this journey will help you!
First, create great memories to carry you through challenges that may come. The above picture is an outing we took with my husband’s mom and all of her daughters (and me 😉 ). We made some good memories this summer which we are grateful for!
Explore Living Arrangements
You will want to make plans for where your loved ones will live as they age. Will they continue to live in their own home? Will you need to add grab bars, wheelchair ramps or make other modifications? Will you need to add in-home care?
Is moving in with a family member a possibility or do you want to consider assisted living or nursing home care for more specialized support?
Shortly after my husband’s father passed away the family moved his mom to a senior living community. She was still fine to live independently, but was getting more forgetful and we were concerned about her being by herself all the time. We hoped that meals with others and planned activities would keep her mind and body active and happy. Her community has apartments in the main building plus cottages surrounding the main building. The cottages are 1-2 bedrooms with 1-2 bathrooms each, so it was a gentler transition. We moved her into a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom unit with a full kitchen. She could still have guests and she could still cook (newsflash – she didn’t 😉 ) and the downsizing wasn’t quite as severe as moving to a one bedroom or a studio apartment. But she still had 3 meals/day provided in the main building that she could eat with others which was great social time. As a bonus, it is right around the corner from OUR house (and very close to her old home) and location has been king for us. It’s so nice to have her close! We also knew that they had assisted living and memory care available in the same community should that become necessary.
Because we focused on location, we didn’t learn until later that some senior communities allow for a person to move to an assisted living level of care without moving apartments. This could be really really nice. The one my mother-in-law is at required us to move her to a different area of the community when she needed an assisted level of care. Her main dining room is also different. This was all very disorienting for her the first couple of weeks. She does have the option to eat in the dining room she used when she was living in the cottage – but it’s not the “go to plan”. They also welcome family to join for meals anytime (for a fee).
In talking to others exploring similar options for their loved ones, we have learned that some communities have assigned seating at meals, but we really like the flexibility that is offered at the one our mom is at. If you are investigating senior living communities, you will want to note all of these nuances. Most will also allow you to come have a meal as part of your tour so that you can try the food.
Driving
Deciding when an older adult should stop driving is a difficult and emotionally fraught decision, and the consequences are challenging. We found out after we had already created lots of drama around this choice that in our state we could have anonymously reported an older family member’s driving as believed to be unsafe and the state would require that person to take a driving test to keep their license. So, if you are wrestling with this issue, check your state laws and figure out if you can outsource that decision!!
Financial Planning
A few years ago we made sure that we had Power of Attorney for both of my husband’s parents. This has made things so much easier. This is something you for sure will want to put in place if you have a single (widowed or divorced) parent and/or a parent who seems to be approaching dementia. You can have an attorney help with this, but you can also print a form online and have it notarized – this is what we did and it has worked fine.
My parents have not given us power of attorney, but they have shared passwords for online accounts and made sure we know where all of their financial accounts are. Planning now can make life so much easier as things change. They have also done estate planning and we know where those documents are kept.
Health Changes Can Happen Quickly
Recently my Mother-in-law has encountered some debilitating back pain. When it first started occurring, she stayed in bed for 3 weeks while we tried to figure out what was going on and how to help her. This is one of the worst things that can happen to an elderly person. We were told by a nurse practitioner that they plan 3 days of rehab for every day a patient spends in bed. So 3 weeks in bed equates to 9 weeks of rehab!! This was something I wished I had known earlier. We were actively trying to help her, but it would have felt even more urgent if we had realized how much the clock was ticking!! In the end, the fix for her has been to keep moving. We were able to get her admitted to a rehab hospital and she was doing much better after only a few weeks. It turns out that “motion is lotion” as the physical therapist likes to tell her. We have to keep working with her regularly though to make sure she continues to do exercises to maintain the gains she has made.
There are so many other facets to caring for our aging loved ones, but hopefully this will get you started thinking about what is necessary for your own parents. It is a rewarding and challenging time to see that the people who once cared for us now need our care, and it can require patience and compassion. However, one thing is sure – planning will make things go more smoothly!
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