I am the second child in a family of 8 children. My dad had a successful career as an orthodontist. My mom had a successful career as a stay-at-home mom. She was in charge of the multitude of things that kept our household going and she did an amazing job. She cooked, cleaned, sewed, did laundry, ironed, weeded the gardens, and taught me and my siblings to do those things as well. She helped us with our homework, encouraged, disciplined, and taught us life lessons, nursed us back to health when we were sick, drove us to our many activities, served in various capacities in our church including, teacher, leader of the women’s organization, and leader to girls ages 12-18. She was amazingly fast at typing and was a great study partner, coming up with funny ways to remember things. Mom is 77 years old now and she has some form of dementia. It started sometime after 2008 but prior to 2014. It has impacted her life as well as mine as I’ve seen her forget how to do things that she so commonly did like sewing and baking, including using a recipe. She forgets who is coming to visit and when they will be there. She forgets movies that she watched the night before. In short, she forgets a lot of things. And there really isn’t a way to change that. So what do you do when someone has dementia? I recently visited my parents and discovered some things that I believe can be helpful for anyone who is supporting or caring for a loved one who has dementia.
What can you do when people have dementia?
Be Kind and Patient
Remember, having dementia is not the person’s fault. They’re not trying to be difficult. So be patient and kind. At times this can be much easier said than done, especially when you are being asked the same question for the 3rd, 4th, or even 5th time. Remember, someone with dementia doesn’t always or even simply doesn’t remember the answer to questions. Just answer it again as if it was the first time they asked. Avoid saying things like, “Don’t you remember?” because unfortunately they do not. When they tell you stories repeatedly, just smile and nod and comment as if this was the first time you’ve heard the story. If you’re doing a task with someone who has dementia, you may need to explain how to do it, even if they have done it many times before.
Figure Out What They Enjoy Doing
My mom used to make a blanket for each grandchild when they were around 8 years old. She forgot that she had the tradition of doing that recently so I thought it would be a great project to do with her when I visited. I was wrong. Making the blanket seemed to create more negative feelings for her than positive ones. I did discover some things that my mom did enjoy like walking in the mall and talking with a random store employee, attending a church activity where she was so social and talkative, and making a very simple craft with me and her granddaughters. I also know that my mom likes to walk outside, be with my dad, and be at home. To figure out what your loved one enjoys simply watch their reactions to activities, places, people, events, and daily tasks. It might be helpful to share your observations with other family members.
Figure Out What They Don’t Enjoy Doing
Figuring out the flipside of the last section is also important. While my mom likes to walk, she doesn’t have much fun going on strenuous terrain. My mom doesn’t make decisions easily now so while I still will ask for her opinion, if I really want to know what she thinks about something I need to give her time to express herself and make decisions. This may mean not taking action on something until she does make a decision.
Ways to Help When Someone Has Dementia
- Giving them simple, one step tasks to do is a great idea as opposed to giving them something to do that has multiple steps to complete.
- Show the person how you want something done when you give them a task.
- Give the main caregiver a break.
- Ask the caregiver what works and what doesn’t work for the person with dimentia. The last several years we have given my parents tickets to an event for Christmas. I learned from my dad that a comedian would not be a good performance for them to attend because my mom wouldn’t understand it. Musical and dance performances are great though.
It is not easy to see a loved one’s mind stop working correctly. As you spend time with the person and talk with others who also interact with them you can discover specific things that help that specific person. It takes effort, patience, and understanding but is so worth it. Good luck!
Helpful Resources
https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs This site even includes things that are common age-related symptoms that you don’t need to be concerned about.
https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/diagnosis/why-get-checked
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