When you have an empty nest your parenting responsibilities don’t vanish. They change. In a lot of ways you go from being a player in the game to a coach on the sideline watching the game and giving advice here and there or even a spectator who has hardly anything to do with the game other than the fact that they are cheering and worrying and seeing it unfold. Being a coach or spectator can be tough and having your parenting responsibilities change can also be hard. You can handle it though and just like coaching and spectating is rewarding you’ll find that parenting adult children is rewarding too. Here are several tips to help you with your new responsibilities.
Treat them like your equal.
In other words, treat them like you do other adults. If you treat your child like they are still 7 years old you will get some push back. This could look like telling them to do something differently in a condescending way or critiquing something they have done instead of showing gratitude. Two of our daughters were home recently and I recognized that on occasion I tell my kids how to do things. They’re adults for heaven’s sake. They have lived on their own and have gotten along fabulously. They know how to do things. I don’t need to tell them. Another way to treat your child like they are an equal is to praise them and thank them for what they do. This helps them know that you believe they are capable and that you value their contributions.
Let them make their own decisions.
Young adulthood is a time when so many decisions are made. Whether to go to college, trade school, or straight into the workforce, what job to take when college or training is over, where to live, how to finance education, what car to buy, etc. This is your child’s life and while you have a lot more life experience than they do, in the end, your child has to decide their own path. One way you can help adult children with decisions is to ask them in a kind way what their plan is for whatever it is they are trying to decide to do. You can also ask if they want your help or your input. If they say “no” then honor that. When asking questions avoiding starting the question with “why”. A “why” question can sometimes imply that you question someone’s judgement as in, “John, why did sign up for so many classes?”. Now you may indeed be wondering why on earth your child made a decision but being critical will not build your relationship. So in the case of a loaded class schedule, a softer question would be “What’s your plan for juggling your classes?”
Let them make mistakes without giving them a lecture.
Everyone makes mistakes. You likely don’t have to think hard about the mistakes you’ve made in your life. You learned from those mistakes though and that is the best way to learn a lesson. Let your child make mistakes. Don’t rescue them. Let them learn lessons they need to learn. While you are letting them make mistakes it is vital for the good of your relationship to not belittle them. When mistakes are made, sympathize with them. They already know they messed up. Sympathize with them, and like mentioned above, don’t ask why they did it. Instead ask, what have you learned from this or what will you do next time or what is your plan for fixing this? Those questions help them recognize that you are confident they can handle problems.
Include them in planning.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. When our family has gotten together my husband and I have planned what we were going to do and then not consulted everyone to ensure that the plan is agreeable. Fortunately, no one’s gotten too horribly bent out of shape over it but I have learned that kids didn’t appreciate not being asked for their input. Definitely my bad. If I was planning a day with friends I would of course ask them for their opinion on what we were doing. We should do the same with our adult children. Also, give yourself a break with planning and let your kids plan what you’re doing together. Not being in charge sounds like a great idea to me!
Let them do the hard things.
Your child will not learn how to do things if you keep doing them for him/her. My children have all gone to college over 1,000 miles away from home. It’s been a good experience for them to do things without me. We all want capable children and when they are adults it’s time for them to do things adults do. They might ask for advice and there’s nothing wrong with giving it to them but in the end they can do the tasks that need to be done and reap the rewards of accomplishing them. When we do things for them too often we rob them of feeling the satisfaction of a job well done and keep them from knowing that they are capable.
Do fun things with them.
Having adult children really is fun. My kids are my best friends. We have a great time when we are with each other and doing fun things together is one of the best things about having adult children. You can go to a concert, play, sporting event, movie, etc. together or let them plan a trip for the family and go on that trip! The great thing about doing these things with your adult child is just that – they‘re adults so you’re not taking your show on the road and having to make sure they have everything they need. They’re now responsible for all of that so you can all go out and have fun.
What has worked for you as you have parented your adult child? Leave a comment below to share your wisdom.
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