Over the years we all deal with long-term or chronic illnesses either ourselves or with friends and family. This is a picture of my Dad when he was dealing with a serious long-term illness.
I have recently had several friends and family diagnosed with breast cancer. Treatments for this range from a lumpectomy + 6 weeks of radiation to full mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. Whatever the path, it’s a major disruption to your life and unfortunately it’s only one of a myriad of illnesses that can pop in and take over your life for awhile or longer. That got me wondering, “how can I help? What do people dealing with long-term illnesses appreciate? What is not helpful?” So I spent some time talking to one of my friends who is on the remission side of breast cancer to get her perspective. First I will share some general guidelines and then I will share a list of things I have seen done for friends and family.
I have several friends who are neck deep in treatments right now, and I share these ideas with a little hesitation because I know I fall so short in this area. I wish I were doing more for them. However, my hope is that if lots of us do a little, it adds up to a lot to lighten the load of those who are battling long-term illnesses. So, pick an idea that resonates with you and make it happen!
Doing something is better than doing nothing. Don’t feel pressure to solve ALL THE PROBLEMS. That’s not possible. Just do a little. It’s common to feel helpless in the face of other’s suffering, but a simple visit can lift spirits and help your loved ones feel cared about. Don’t get into the trap of feeling like you have to do something big to make it worth it.
Be sensitive to how your friend or family member is feeling physically when you stop by. If they don’t feel great, don’t stay for long unless your visit is a welcome distraction. Also, don’t ignore the person with the illness in favor of talking to his or her family. If someone is feeling crummy, they may need the help from others in the household and you being there for a long time visiting with them could be exactly the opposite of what they need. However, it is also true that family members of those with long-term illnesses may feel isolated and discouraged as well, so a visit may cheer them. Just read the room. And if that is something that is hard for you, ASK!
7 years ago I broke my ankle/leg. It was a pretty bad break and I spent a lot of time recuperating. I don’t have ANY pictures of all the time I spent laying on the couch – but I do have lots of pictures of family doing stuff without me (at my encouragement I should say)! And a few pictures of me mid-recuperation out and about in a boot (you can just barely see the crutches poking out from behind me in the picture!!). During that time I really appreciated all the visits (they took my mind off the pain) and gifts people brought. It turned a time that could have been discouraging into a time that made me grateful for all the generous people in my life.
Here are some ideas I’ve observed over the years – obviously not all are appropriate for every situation or relationship, but hopefully it will empower you to do something!
- Friends wearing hats when someone loses their hair to make hats feel more “commonplace”
- Donating hair to make hair pieces
- Bring in a meal
- Plan social events that the sick person is able to participate in – dinner out rather than a group hike or pickleball
- Set up a “GroupMe” or some other way to communicate with friends and family so that sharing health updates is not such a burden – It can also allow people to coordinate help
- A group of friends made a quilt together as a gift of comfort
- Fill their freezer with easy meals (store bought or home made)
- Set up a yard sign to welcome them home from a hospital stay
- Visit
- Go and stay in their home to help the usual caregiver
- Offer to pick things up from the store when you go
- Drop off a favorite treat
- Flowers
- Share a list of favorite TV shows or movies to stream
- Bring over a favorite book or craft
- Send a card
- Send a text
- Plan a dinner or celebration of some sort at different milestones (just before starting chemo or finishing treatment) and dress to show your support (wear pink for breast cancer for example)
- Organize a group order of t-shirts or bracelets that show support for your friend/family member
- Participate in benefits for the illness
- Put together or contribute to a care package that includes things that would be helpful or comforting during treatment
- Help with household tasks
These are all just ideas. Not every idea will work for each person – so your best bet is to chat with your friend or loved one and see what will help him or her. Whatever you decide to do, be sure to listen to your friend or loved one and try to do things that suit them. What have you done in the past that has been helpful? What has been done for you? Share your ideas in the comments!
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